Demoting Self-Importance: A Surprising Path to Emotional Relief

What if it’s not self-doubt—but impossible standards?

In my healing sessions, people often come in burdened by thoughts they can't seem to shake: “I’m not making enough money,” “I haven’t done anything with my life,” “I’m not married at my age,” “I can’t lose weight.” These thoughts cycle endlessly in their minds like a hamster wheel—familiar, exhausting, and hard to escape.

What’s striking is that many of these people know these thoughts aren’t fair. They can logically recognize that they wouldn’t judge someone else in the same situation nearly as harshly. They wouldn’t tell a friend, “You’re a failure because you're not married” or “You’re worthless because you’re not rich.” But even with this awareness, they can’t seem to stop the inner monologue. As some describe it, “I know it in my head, but I don’t know it in my heart.”

For some, this loop is powered by unresolved emotional blocks—old emotional experiences that got stored in the body and now subtly push their thoughts in a negative direction. Until those blocks are cleared, it’s very hard for the mind to let go. But even when emotional blocks are released, another shift is usually needed as well: a change in the mental framework that holds the cycle in place.

At first glance, this might seem like a classic case of low self-esteem. But when you look deeper, that’s not the real issue. The deeper pattern is that people with these thoughts have different rules for themselves than for everyone else. They hold themselves to a harsher standard, one they would never apply to others.

And that double standard does something interesting—it separates them from the rest of humanity. It silently says, “The rest of the world gets to be human, but I have to be more than that. I have to be perfect.”

That’s where the concept of self-importance comes in—not in the usual sense of arrogance or vanity, but in the quieter, more hidden form that perfectionism often takes. Self-importance is what tells us that we are so unique and special that we must live by different standards. It insists that we stand apart, which ironically leads to deep feelings of isolation, pressure, and unworthiness.

Most of the people I work with would never consciously think of themselves as self-important. In fact, they’re often on a path of self-development, introspection, and spiritual growth. They want nothing more than to feel connected and humble. But the perfectionism that drives their inner critic has roots in a form of self-importance that says: “I must do more, be more, and achieve more than everyone else in order to be okay.”

When clients can start to recognize this mindset—not with blame, but with curiosity—it can pop the bubble. Suddenly, there's space to ask a different question: “What if I don’t need to be more than everyone else? What if I can just be one of the humans?”

That’s why one of the things I often say in session is: “Let’s demote you.” Not as an insult, but as a relief. Let’s demote you from the pedestal where the rules are different and the pressure is unbearable. Let’s bring you back down to earth, to the rest of us flawed, messy, lovable humans.

And when people do that, there’s often an immediate sense of release. They breathe easier. The pressure lifts. They feel reconnected—to themselves, to others, and to life.

Because healing doesn’t always come from climbing higher. Sometimes, it comes from stepping down off the ledge of perfectionism, joining the rest of the world, and finally giving ourselves permission to be human.